Sunday, April 01, 2007

Psychic

But then you knew that

How to clown about with custard pies


Smoking is dangerous

Blair: I'll be treading the boards again

Tony Blair has agreed to resurrect his interest in acting when he leaves Number 10 after he was approached about a major stage role by his close friend, the artistic director of the Old Vic, Kevin Spacey.

With speculation growing over the exact date of his departure from Downing Street and how he will handle life as an ex-Prime Minister, Blair appears to have taken Gordon Brown and his closest Westminster friends by surprise with the plan to star in an autumn production of Arthur Miller's The Crucible. It is likely to be a sell-out.

Tony Blair

A proof copy of the theatre programme, likely to become a collector's item, contains a cast list showing Tony Blair's name against the part of Reverend John Hale. Miller's classic play is ostensibly based on the 17th-century Salem witch trials and warns of the dangers of religious fundamentalism. Reverend Hale is a renowned expert on witchcraft and proves a noble character.

The Prime Minister, whose father-in-law, Tony Booth, is an actor, showed an early interest in drama at Fettes College where he played the role of Stanhope in RC Sheriff's First World War drama Journey's End. He has since had a bit part in a Russian soap opera, voiced a cartoon version of himself welcoming The Simpsons to Britain and appeared in a sketch with Catherine Tate for last month's Comic Relief, his deadpan delivery of the line 'Am I bovvered?' winning plaudits from the viewers and BBC executives.

As a result he is believed to have received numerous offers to send himself up in the finale of Ricky Gervais's Extras, a new Only Fools and Horses Christmas special and a proposed Doctor Who storyline in which a Prime Minister goes back in time to correct his past mistakes.

Elvis's sore throat erupts again in row over doctor's kit

Elvis Presley's vocal cords are probably the most famous in the history of rock'n'roll. Now the medical instruments that helped keep them on song are at the centre of a court battle involving a multi-million pound array of Elvis memorabilia.

Among the disputed items collected by George Nichopoulos, the late star's personal doctor, are the laryngeal scope with which he examined "the king's" chronic sore throat and tonsils, and a device used to irrigate his nostrils before concerts.

The collection, amassed by Dr Nick - as the former physician is commonly known - in boxes in his garage, was "the greatest find since the Titanic", said Las Vegas lounge singer Robert Gallagher, one of the men disputing its ownership.

Also at the heart of the legal fight are a stuffed toy dog that Presley once threw at Dr Nick, the red strobe car roof light the doctor kept with him in case he needed to hurry to Graceland, the star's Tennessee home, a prescription pill bottle dated August 15, 1977 - the day before Elvis died - and a Smith & Wesson pistol that Presley gave to him.

Mr Gallagher, a flamboyant entertainer who plays a white baby grand piano with his feet and wears a bullet-holed cowboy hat, estimates the collection is worth £127 million. He and Mr Long struck a deal to take Dr Nick's collection on tour, but then fell out. The case started last week in Wilmington, Delaware, where they registered their company.

Michael Jackson wants to be a 50 foot robot

Michael Jackson may build a 50-foot robotic replica of himself for Las Vegas if he decides to launch a regular show in the casino city.

The giant Jacko would be visible from incoming flights as it stalked the desert shooting laser beams, the firm behind the design told the New York Daily News.

The newspaper also reported that according to one source former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney was considering investing in the potential long-term show.



A spokesman for Sir Paul told the newspaper: "I don't comment on the business of his business."

Andre Van Pier has apparently designed the Jackson robot and sketched out a stage set featuring a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience.

"Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them," said his partner at Luckman Van Pier, Mike Luckman.

As for the 50-foot robot? No word on whether a 10-foot robot will be by its side.

Bill of Rights for abused robots

A robot rights movement is taking shape and preparing the world's first ethical guidelines for human/robot relationships.

The "Robot Ethics Charter", which will be unveiled later this year, will insist that humans should not exploit robots and should use them responsibly. It is expected to be a version of the classic three laws of robotics developed by the science fiction author Isaac Asimov. These are that robots must not harm people, and that they must obey orders and protect their own existence unless either conflicts with the first law.

"As robots will have their own internal states such as motivation and emotion, we should not abuse them," argues Professor Jong-Hwan Kim, one of South Korea's top robotics experts. "We will have to treat them in the same way that we take care of pets." A spokesman for the Korean Ministry of Commerce, Industry and Energy said: "The move anticipates that day when robots, particularly intelligent service robots, will become part of daily life."

With artificial intelligence becoming ever more advanced, there is growing concern about how interaction between robots and humans can be regulated. The issue will be addressed at a robotics conference in Rome next week, where scientists will call on the European Commission to set up a robot ethics committee. Critics have dismissed such moves as "technological correctness gone mad".

High on the Rome agenda will be the issue of sexual relations between humans and machines. Dr David Levy, author of a paper on robot prostitution being presented at the conference, claims that sexbots, like Jude Law's Gigolo Joe character in the Spielberg film A.I., will be commonplace in just 40 years. "I think robots will be developed that have the emotional capability to encourage humans to fall in love with them," he said.

High street retailers are already considering the possibilities. Gordon Lee, from the Ann Summers chain, said: "It's not far away from happening but there definitely need to be ethics involved. We'd always want to make sure there would be foreplay."

Listen Gromit, you’re top dog now

The little dog listening to an old gramophone has been one of the world’s most instantly recognisable images for 100 years.

Until now. Nipper the terrier is being replaced this week by Gromit, the Plasticine dog from the Wallace and Gromit animated series.

His Master’s Voice

The original image is based on a 19th century painting by Francis Barraud. Nipper was supposed to be listening to a recording of his dead owner. Hence the name given to the picture: His Master’s Voice.

This week the HMV group is switching to Gromit. The only master’s voice he is used to is Wallace saying: “Nice cheese, Gromit.”

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

It is a unique marketing deal in which no money has changed hands.

HMV is to use the Gromit image in the windows of its 220 stores and in advertisements in the press and on the London Underground for the next three months as part of a collaboration with Oscar-winning Aardman Animations, the maker of Wallace and Gromit and films such as Chicken Run and Flushed Away.

The chain decided on the change to refresh its image and to attract younger customers.

US astronaut to run marathon in space

An American astronaut will run this year's Boston Marathon on board the International Space Station.

Sunita Williams, 41, a US Navy commander, will be tied to a treadmill to combat the effect of weightlessness.

She qualified for a place by finishing last year's Houston Marathon in three hours 29 minutes and 57 seconds.

But she blasted off on board the Discovery space shuttle in December, prompting her decision to try to run the race in space on 16 April.

"I consider it a huge honour to qualify, and I didn't want my qualification to expire without giving it a shot," Ms Williams told the race organisers, the Boston Athletics Association (BAA).

Council inspectors to demand £5 'carbon offset' for barbecues

It is one of the timeless rituals of the new globally-warmed great British summer: firing up the barbecue and slinging on a steak.

But people who choose to burn charcoal may have to think twice - as councils now have swinging new powers to force homeowners to buy 'carbon offsets' before they light up or face a £50 fine.

Barbecue inspector

The measures, which have been approved by the Climate Change Unit of the Department of Environment, Fisheries and Rural Affairs, are likely to severely curtail the number of barbecues Britons enjoy this summer.

Councils will approve barbecues only if the householder has bought a so-called carbon offset.

These should cost no more than £5 each and will allow sufficient barbecuing - as long as the cook is proficient - to create 20 steaks, or 40 if you like them rare.

The Hair Colour Diet

The revolutionary new diet that will change your life.

The Hair Colour Diet™ is the result of groundbreaking genetic research. We all know that forensic scientists can identify people just from one strand of hair. How? Because your whole DNA™ is encoded in that strand. Using this knowledge, scientists have analysed hundreds of thousands of hair samples from around the world and used them to find out what makes people fat or thin.

Now you can have this revolutionary research and lose weight today! The Hair Colour Diet tells you how to eat right for your hair type, and combined with the low calorie, low fat Hair Colour Diet Energi Bars™ you will soon get slim and get fit.

It doesn't matter if your hair is blonde, brunette, red, black or mousy - the Hair Colour Diet™ will work for you.

Eyelash Transplants

Do you have weak, damaged, sparse or short lashes? If you have experienced a loss of your lashes through trauma, overuse of eyelash extensions, hair pulling, or you simply want longer, thicker, more dense living and growing lashes, an eyelash transplant procedure may be for you.



Eyelash transplantation is a safe, effective way to restore living and growing lashes to your eyelid. NOTE: Transplanted lashes grow LONG and will therefore need to be routinely trimmed (and perhaps curled).

Cloning Spare Parts

Have you ever dreamed of having Julia Roberts' legs? Did you swoon over Johnny Depp's ears in "Pirates of the Caribbean"? Have you ever dreamed of having the perfect body?

Well, now your dream can come true.

Hollywood's top plastic surgeons have teamed up with some of the biggest names in Tinseltown to bring you Cloning Spare Parts.

Step 1 : Choose which part of your body you want to replace.

Step 2: Order the cloned body part with your Visa or Mastercard.

Step 3: Take it with you to your doctor and have it attached.

Hands up if you've had cosmetic surgery

They've had the tummy tuck, chin-tightening, Botox jabs, face and bottom lifts, but, to the appearance-obsessed, those scrawny, tell-tale fingers will give away their true age. But now, help is at hand - cosmetic surgery has finally reached the ends of the arms. Hand rejuvenation is the new must-have procedure.

These "hand-lifts" are achieved by one of two methods: either fat transfer from elsewhere in the body or mesotherapy, injecting cosmetic fillers similar to those used on the face. Wrinkled, bony hands with prominent veins and deep grooves suddenly become plump and healthy looking.



Simon Withey, a consultant plastic surgeon at London Plastic Surgery Associates (LPSA), said demand for the little-known procedure had picked up by between 300 and 400 per cent over the last three years, with his clinic now conducting at least one hand-lift a week.

"Hand rejuvenation is not something that is really in the public eye, but more and more people are requesting it," said Mr Withey. "A lot of them are afraid that their hands give away their age, particularly if they've had other work done.

The ghostly Angel of the Vatican

When retired policeman Andy Key went on a trip to Rome, he was struck by the beauty of sunlight streaming through a window in the Vatican.

As the Pope made an address nearby, he decided to capture the stunning image on his camera.

But it was only when Mr Key, 48, and his wife Susan, 44, returned home and and downloaded their photographs that they noticed a strange apparition in the picture.

Angel

They were amazed to see what looked like the image of a guardian angel above the heads of other visitors to St Peter's Basilica.

Mr Key, from March, Cambridgeshire, said: "It looks like an angel hovering on the people's heads.

"No-one can explain it - there's nothing on their heads for the light to bounce off."

Holy water hit in Irish bug scare

A contamination scare in the west of Ireland has seen bottles of holy water being replaced.

Up to 90,000 homes and businesses are at at risk from cryptosporidium pollution in County Galway, which experts believe could last for up to six months.

Catholic Church authorities are also taking the issue seriously and have decided to use spring water rather than tap in an Easter ceremony.

About 3,000 bottles of holy water are blessed on Holy Saturday, the day before Easter, in Tuam, County Galway.

Father Stephen Farragher, administrator at Tuam Cathedral, said that although Catholics blessed themselves with consecrated water, some people had been known to also drink it.

BORSCH MEANZ HEINZ

It may not immediately tickle the tastebuds of its usual bake-bean loving fans, but Heinz reckons it has hundreds of thousands of customers just waiting for its latest products.

Heinz is launching its first range of Polish food in Britain, based on traditional recipes such as pork goulash, stuffed cabbage in tomato sauce and beef tripe in broth, under the brand name Pudliszki.



With at least 750,000 Poles, two per cent of the total Polish population, now living in this country, Heinz believes "there is an overwhelming demand for superior Polish products that offer a taste of home. The Pudliszki brand is a well-loved and established national name in its own right".

A Heinz spokesman said: "We have worked with our people in Poland to come up with a range which not only includes family favourites but also the seasonal products which, ordinarily, Polish residents would eat only a few times of the year."

Tiny, blind troglobites halt £5bn Australian mining project

The discovery of tiny, cave-dwelling animals measuring just 4mm in length has halted plans to develop a $10bn (£5bn) mine in Western Australia.

Environmental protection officials rejected the iron ore mine proposal from mining giant Rio Tinto when 11 species of troglobite were discovered.

The troglobites are tiny cave-dwelling creatures which resemble spiders.

They feed on organic matter deep underground and will die if exposed to ultraviolet light outside their caves.

The chairman of Western Australia's Environmental Protection Authority (EPA), Wally Cox, said the proposed mine would cause the extinction of at least five of the newly-discovered species.

McSoft Inc

At 12:00 EST on 1/4/2007 there will be an official announcement regarding the merger between McDonalds and Microsoft.

For several years now the two companies have been investigating ways a partnership could benefit not just them in the fast food and computer sectors but over the whole business community.



However, there has been a disturbing trend recently by governments to interfere in their respective businesses. They decided they cannot stand idly by and let arrogant bodies like the United States government and the European Union dictate to them how they should run a business, whether it be in the fast food sector or the computer industry. They cannot, and will not, tolerate this any longer.

By joining forces they will

1. Have an extra massive legal department so no governments can argue with them.

2. Be extra right so no governments can argue with them.

3. Make extra obscene amounts of money so they can get any law they want.

Healthy grandfather places ad denying reports of impending death

On being given the all-clear from cancer most people might simply breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy a loving hug from their closest family.

But grandfather John Sutton obviously felt he needed to go further.

The Gloucestershire builder was so pleased he published a full-colour advert in his local paper to proclaiming to friends that he was NOT dying.

Not dead yet

Friends of the 63-year-old were so convinced that he had contracted terminal cancer from working with asbestos that his final arrangements were already being planned.

And finally fed-up with sombre well-wishers, Mr Sutton, from Tredworth, near Stroud, decided to let friends and collegues know that he was very much alive and kicking as soon as he got the good news.

The advert, adorned with trumpeting angels, begins 'Allelujah!', mimicking American author Mark Twain's famous advert to his millions of fans denying he was dead.

Missing ashes turn up after nine-year wait in lost property

A woman has been reunited with the remains of her father - nine years after they went missing on a train.

After William Maile died in 1998 his family, from Leyland, Lancashire, travelled to his native London to scatter his ashes on the Thames.

But the bag containing the funeral urn was stolen en route and then abandoned, before languishing in lost property.

Urn

A curious genealogist found the urn and decided to trace the family, finally tracking them down last week.

Mollie Schofield, Mr Maile's daughter, said: "We put the pushchair on the luggage rack, put the back containing the ashes under the pushchair and when we came to pick them up at Euston the pushchair was there but the bag was missing."

The thieves abandoned the urn on a tube train and it was taken to London Underground's lost property, where it remained until this week.

Teachers' rights law takes effect

New legal powers for teachers and schools in England and Wales to restrain and discipline unruly pupils have come into effect.

The changes are intended to put an end to what teachers' unions call the "You can't tell me what to do" culture.

Previously, teachers had been allowed to restrain pupils under common law, with the same authority as parents.

But the new law explicitly states that teachers have the right to physically restrain and remove unruly pupils, and impose detention, including sessions outside school hours and on Saturdays.

Teachers will be able to discipline pupils outside school too - if they see children behaving badly on public transport, for instance.

The new powers are enshrined in the 2006 Education and Inspections Act - much of which comes into force on 1 April.